Tag Archives: KB

I am 22 booyeahh!

Gah! So here I am once again , posting after a really long break and shaking my head at how incorrigible I am. A lot has happened since I last posted because my life is so-oh happening, yessir!! Its almost 2am here and I decided that for the love of this blog and all the people that I imagine read it, I must post today!

so most importantly, I turned 22! yea yea I had an awesome birthday party that started at 10pm the night before my birthday and went on till 7 am the next morning. Needless to say, there were enough substances of all kinds flowing and flying to keep everyone going for so long and then made them crash for the next many hours. But I decided that Imma be a stud on mah b’day yo and attended all my classes and felt like a used condom by the end of my day. But it was really fun nevertheless and everyone had a great time too.:)

I received some really nice gifts, like two yummy chocolate cakes, a letter from my brother, a bunch of novels and books. But the most worldbest gift I received was from someone I shall call Gilgamesh here at thestoryofparo(tsop). He wrote me a novella. He wrote me an entire fucking sci-fi novella where I am the protagonist and have level 5 electromancer powers. Its full of videogame references, space travel, funny incidents of the past, references to things I have said and done and also features many of my friends. 😀

He bound it in a plain little black book and gave it to me like it was nothing. Its the most thought-about and worked-upon gift I have ever received and I feel super overwhelmed by all the niceness.

That was about a week back.

Also met KB after many years. He decided to come to Delhi to meet me and we walked around his old school and house and walked around Delhi lakes before watching The Dark Knight Rises. (again! oh fate!)

Coming up in the next post is some very deep insight on life guys. You mist not miss it because I am now 22 and very wise.

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Moving to Delhi and other things…

Salut!

Comment cava mes amies? I suppose there isn’t anyone reading this. Nevertheless, I am going to think that I am writing for the sake of my future biographer who will write a book on me because I am going to be such a big shot in life. 😐 😛

Anyway, life altering events happened a few months back! (Aren’t the smallest of things and events in everyday life also life altering in ways we will never know? hmmm)

1. I moved to Delhi.

So I had applied to two places for my Masters. One was CEFL in Hyderabad and the other was JNU in Delhi. I screwed up the CEFL entrance by reaching 20 minutes late for my entrance exam and din’t even finish the paper. The JNU entrance exam asked us random things about art, performance and cinema and it was such a top-of-my-head attempt that I was sure it would be another year of Bombay for me. What with all the hysteria about everyone in the Social sciences wanting to get into JNU.

Well well, so I got into JNU. (cue: mental jig :D) I love my course and the campus is awesome!! I shall be writing more about life here in future posts.

So anyway, Delhi is a huge move. Its got its own quirks and things I hate and things I love. But I am truely enjoying my time here. Its been just 5 months now, but like any other move, Delhi has been an insane learning experience. I just came across this , by the way, >>http://theshootingstar.wordpress.com/2012/01/29/moving-to-delhi-9-steps-to-survival/

2. I have moved to Delhi for good. sort of.

Yes, so I got through JNU and my brother TC got through the institution he had been vying for for his graduation. So Amma is moving to the Gulf with Appa. As a matter of fact, she is leaving from my native place today to catch her flight tomorrow. This was also the primary reason I din’t apply for any Masters in Mumbai. I wanted them to live together. We will not talk about this anymore. I needed this change anyway.Of course I miss Bombay but 20 years in the same place is not good at all for one’s development.  Its scary how I always want change. 😐

When I say I have moved here for good , I mean that I have brought everything I own( except a large carton of books) , including my Scooty Monty , to Delhi. No one in Bombay now except some relatives and friends’ place to crash at. So I don’t know when will be the next time I will eat Jeevan ka Pani Puri.

This sort of breaks my heart and excites me too. I am mostly excited about the future and about life. 🙂

3. I live in hostel now. In the JNU campus. I even have a roommate!

4. KB is seeing/dating/in a relationship with someone else.

He told me this 2 days before my 21st birthday. I cried for 3 hours and haven’t ever since. (Oh no, there was this drunken weepy night 2 months back. But never, besides that.)

She likes him a lot and he likes her a lot. I was upset that he din’t tell me earlier. Everyone knows that I am super chilled out and such a liberal person. He could have just told me right when it sort of started in January and not led me on for so long.

I am done ranting about this. By the way, we are back in talking terms now and sometimes he tells me he likes me too. FuckThatShit.

5. Sachin sir and Geet got married on 4th February this year!! 😀

I used to be part of a dance troupe earlier and Sachin sir was one of the choreographers with Geet as an assistant. So these are among the people who have made me believe in myself and told me that I could dance. They are like surrogate parents to me and always looked out for me ever since I’ve known them.

6. New discoveries!! Lots of travel! New people! Delhi winter. aaah! 😀

Okay I am just adding stuff to make my last howmanyever months seem eventful. It has been eventful actually, but they each deserve a separate post. Soon soon.

Until then, here are glimpses of the different aspects of Delhi.

 

I haven’t clicked these images but I have been here, yea. Delhi seems like a place with as many disparities as Bombay. The only difference is that these disparities are clearly visible,  established, expressed and impressed upon all the time. To illustrate simply: Everyone travels by local trains in Bombay. Peon to PHD student to MD of the company. In Delhi, there seems to be a very clear divide- auto rickshaw,bus, AC bus, metro train, car, luxury car. Oh well, every city gives us moments to cherish and teaches us things, and I am excited about what this city has in store for me.

 

 

       

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#Don’tThinkAboutIt

Its just sad how when one is in a sad situation, the freak brain tries to somehow connect it to every song you listen to, relate to it and makes one feel miserable.

For instance, how I am noe relating this fabulous song by Adele with the whole KB thing.  Sick! But things have already gotten better you know. Its been One week since the event, and I already find myself thinking about it much lesser.I hope I am able to forget.

PS: Don’t you think Adele is a really great singer?! She has a very wide vocal range and a voice quality that is so appealing and soulful.

 

 

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‘Love’ in table format and how it ended

I just got off the phone with KB a couple of hours back and we have decided mutually (after being put forward by me) that we are going to end whatever it was or wasn’t between us. I guess you don’t know the history between us, I’ll write about it sometime. But it should suffice to say that I have liked him or the idea of him since 8th standard. Thats 8 years. 😐

Anyway, this is how I came to the decision.By making a table.(Sorry, its not too neat. )

             WHAT I KNOW        WHAT I DON’T KNOW
What I had once for KB was love Do I still feel like that? Does he like me now?
One falls in love more than once in life (I heard this on Discovery Channel so its scientifically proven) Do they fall out of love before they fall into the next?
I have an illusion of him that I love. Have I created an illusion of myself for him to fall for?
It will be a while (atleast till October) before we meet Is it a matter of time? Is it worth waiting for longer?
He doesn’t know everything about me, I don’t express all to him. If I do express, will he care?/be interested in knowing?/understand? Will he still like me?
Love is good (I try to believe so). Am I capable of being constant in it?

I tried answering the ‘What I don’t know’ part of the  table and I realized that as things are now, this can’t go forward any more and can’t work out.

So two nights back when I wrote this and decided I will tell KB that we shouldn’ go on with whatever this is because he will be hurt in the end, so it better be now. I also had a feeling that I like him now also just because I am so used to that idea, its comfortable. It used to be faraway and unattainable and I could always escape to it. Now I don’t know if I want it anymore when it is attainable. Two reasons- 1. May be I romanticized him to be better than anyone can really be.  2. The whole commitment thing SCARES ME.

I also decided that he probably doesn’t like me so much either. Because we hadn’t spoken for a week which happens often. I wonder if this is because of ego and if it was , then its completely contradictory with what they say about love.But the next morning after I wrote this,he called up and I got confused again. He was so nice that I din’t have the heart to bring this up. Also, I din’t even feel like hurting that sweet kid.

I decided that Either I am a bitch now, or I am a bitch later. But its got to happen sometime or another.So I went ahead and wrote him a mail to him because he is so lazy and was sleeping at 12.50 am.Ok I know tahts late. But he is still a lazy boy ok.

He finally read it today and we spoke about it. He said he wanted to talk about it too, just that he was confused. Some girl had asked him out a while back. They are not dating or anything,but he was just considering. He was going to tell me about it.

Anyway I told him that if he really considered me his friend he would have told me unhesitatingly. I tried to convince him that he doesn’t need me, he has friends there in that city and that we need not talk anymore. He protested about these things. But I told him that it complicates things for me, and that I am a hyperventilating person, this is a stress for me that I can’t handle. It is also for his good because he ought to get space to look around for other people.and not be complicated or confused or doubtful with me being around.He said maybe we can check it out later when we are in the same city to which I said that we need not look into the future so much. As far as being friends is concerned, there are too many hang ups to deal with. Its best left alone. He seemed a bit upset about it but again got the good boy award by saying ‘ok, If thats what you want.’ Thus, it was mutual. Especially because he had been toying with the idea himself for a while.

So anyway its over now. If it means anything at all, I have removed him from my speed dial.

Obviously we were never together so this is not a break up. But I guess on a mental level it is one, And altthough I am the one who initiated it after thinking it through thoroughly, I might want to cry. 😦

I just hope that I remind myself of all the reasons behind why I took this well thought out discussion which is for his and my best welfare. Even if it might make us really really sad right now.

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I have dreamed of you so much

I came across this poem and felt that I could relate to it considering my situation with KB right now. .most of it atleast. It has been this way for long.

I HAVE DREAMED OF YOU SO MUCH  
by Robert Desnos
I have dreamed of you so much that you are no longer real.
Is there still time for me to reach your breathing body, to kiss your mouth and make
your dear voice come alive again?

I have dreamed of you so much that my arms, grown used to being crossed on my
chest as I hugged your shadow, would perhaps not bend to the shape of your body.
For faced with the real form of what has haunted me and governed me for so many
days and years, I would surely become a shadow.

O scales of feeling.

I have dreamed of you so much that surely there is no more time for me to wake up.
I sleep on my feet prey to all the forms of life and love, and you, the only one who
counts for me today, I can no more touch your face and lips than touch the lips and
face of some passerby.

I have dreamed of you so much, have walked so much, talked so much, slept so much
with your phantom, that perhaps the only thing left for me is to become a phantom
among phantoms, a shadow a hundred times more shadow than the shadow the
moves and goes on moving, brightly, over the sundial of your life.

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