In this moment, as I write my dissertation, I am attempting to speak about personal meandering spatial imaginations. But as I explore new spaces, I am losing sight of home.
But I want to tell home, that oh dear home
I am only going for a stroll,
would like to be away for a short while
to freshen up my mind and be with myself.
With my thoughts cluttered, I am unable to say this
all I have is an uncertain whisper.
when I am back, I would like to fly upwards
and blossom with home.
in any way at all
in any way it will be.
Spring nights, the nip of winter is still in the air and a song keeps me company under the nearly full moon
A day full of insights. One of the most important insights from today was that I realized the purpose of my life.
1.The purpose of my life is to gather new experiences.
2.New experiences. An infant seeing people play Holi for the first time must totally be tripping adults looking ridiculous behaving absurd.
3. Played Holi in the morning in JNU. I love JNU for the place it is. Bhaang served in the hostel mess during breakfast, the entire campus tripping and it being absolutely acceptable to run around tearing one’s own shirt and throwing it up on a tree.
4. This has been my favourite best day in Delhi so far.
5. When a visually challenged student walks through Jhelum lawns while Holi is being celebrated in JNU, what does he/she perceive and sense? But Kazi says that colour also has frequencies and sounds. He hummed me a quick ‘aahhh’ which was supposed to be the sound for a green colour and indeed, his tone resonated of green. They can sense auras and waves of colour.
6. Holi is a great festival, especially to celebrate with one’s family and close friends. I like the Lall family where I was at all day today. They have a wonderful way of being on Holi, together, each inviting their own friends, and sharing their own friends with each other. accepting each other.
I am really good at keeping secrets. Sometimes, I keep secrets from myself, never accepting some or acknowledging some fleeting truths, and conveniently forgetting secrets about myself that I have chanced upon.
T-chen is a secret I have kept for about 2 and a half years now. However, he occupies a few recesses and perhaps even the hypothalamus of my brain. We have been together since sometime in August 2012 . He is a nice guy. a kind sensitive soul. a curious bear. with a loud uninhibited laughter. infectious happiness. He says that the guiding force of his life is love. and this makes him a very special person. He has supported me through several bad phases. even now, prodding me to shine, while still allowing me to enjoy a lull. T-chen shares my sorrows, holds me when I am sad, listens to me earnestly when I have no words, and lets me enjoy his undivided attention when it is not occupied by books. He tries constantly and succeeds well in understanding what it is like to be female on this planet at this time. He is politically environmentally socially conscious. And the universe is a better place because he is here.
His eyes are dark blue with a tinge of grey, which twinkle and become smaller when he smiles. His hair is dark brown but gets lighter in summer. He has this habit of brushing back his hair with his hand that keeps falling to his forehead like he is one of the Beatles. He does not like this at all. He is very tall and I have to go on my toes to kiss him when we are both standing up. He smells and feels like home.
I love my T-chen.
Who is T-chen? I keep finding out each day, even now, when he has gone away for a while. I realize what his presence did to me when he is absent, and this way, I note something about him that I hadn’t before. I also learn things about myself, in this life with him. I would like to continue finding out who T-chen is.
Yesterday, he used the word love to define what is between us.
He said that I am going to get knotted up , I won’t like it. I will break it one day and burn everything around me, and fly away.
I wonder at this. Huddled close on that winter night, I wondered at it from afar. It is always far. I am. far.
Is that why I always shy away from the knots? or often compelled by the fieriness of them do I knit them myself, like a puppeteer nimbly tracing wisps of air, pulling to secure a knot. and then light a match to see everything explode, myself burn slowly, only to be found already present somewhere else. Fully covered in wax.
I would like to allow it be peeled away. Not by him, not him at all. Although he believes he has it.
Flowers found/left in between the pages of books
They had fallen in between the sheets from one’s hair. Before that they were on found under the trees that give less shade.
Highways. The sounds heard on them. As one is riding, a huge truck passes by, a high pitched sound far away. Eyes open to glimpse a dim light on the horizon, it warms a villager. the light then, of the loud bus stop, is shocking.
Bluerider, riding in cold winters, in warm summers, always.
Keep riding, my friend.
Oh beloved, stay a while!
On summer afternoons in Delhi, a dry gust of hot wind and Farida Khanum’s voice like fresh air and bliss and life.
There was a sad defeated moment. But a song my mind hummed. This one.
A happy friend, buzzing on Old Monk, jumping around the room, playing a djembe and singing aloud this song. Joy is back. and he bought along hope.
November, that time of the year.When soft curls of mist dim the pale yellow streetlights
on my walk back home,
On my walk back home from the library,
after I have laboured and languished over submissions
due in two weeks,
November, that time of the year,
when hunger calls every few hours,
and hot samosas answer it.
When cold hands find solace
in warm jumpers.
November, that time of the year,
when lovers can cuddle in one
large soft blanket of feathers
and whispers and tea in their breath.
November, that time of the year,
when the sun still shines and
kisses cheeks and knees and
the tips of noses.
Dew on green leaves,
Laughter and warmth,
love and longing.
I left something in the hills.
This was during the recent trek in the Himalayas. I left something in the hills there. A little joy, a little love, and came back with a promise to return.
May be when I go back next time, I’ll get some of the weather back. Delhi needs it. and I emphasize, Delhi needs it.
I came back here four days back and although its supposed to be monsoon, I have not even seen a drop of water fall from the sky. Not even a bird has pissed down. Who ever in the first place decided that Delhi was a habitable place when they first started settling man. WHO?!! Its terribly hot and humid here and lately, the irritation level has been so high that getting any closer than 2 cms to even your best friend can result in a sparta like reaction. You know like this-
“Yea we are fucking meeting after more than 2 months but don’t fucking hug me! and if you step any closer, I’ll shower you with my sweat! It’ll be sparta forevuuur!”
Yougaiz, I hope, are in a better place. Is it raining where you are? Sweet blessed warm showers like Bombay? I am longing for the smell of wet earth. By the way, did you know that there was a word for that lovely smell- its called petrichor.
Hello ye folks! Good morning! My plan to wake up at 6.30 am and go for a jog and for a yoga session was a failure , primarily because I snoozed my alarm for 2 hours. I re-started jogging and joined the Yoga kendra here on Friday and now that my abs and thighs are seeing exercise after a long time, every part of my body is in pain, including my hair. Its better than how I felt when I woke up yesterday with a hangover and with my hair smelling of 50 cigarettes. Yuck! But the moustache party was awesome! Great food, great music! Everybody was crazy high and I don’t remember much from what happened post 4 am but I am told I did do some wild funny dancing. 😀
We went for a class trip yesterday evening to the Jama Masjid and Red Fort for the sound and light show. The music was nice but the sound system was really screwed up , so it took away a lot from the sound and light. But the Diwaan-e-aam, Hamaam and other structures of the Red Fort looked glorious bathed in yellow light with the waters of the Yamuna behind it.
Oh guess what?! We wet to Karim’s in Chandni Chowk after the Red fort. Its a place known for non-vegetarian food. But being a conditioned vegetarian , I have come up with very innovative ways to get away with eating non-vegetarian food sometimes and not feel terrible. So yesterday I had Seekh Kababs and Shammi Kababs. *Drool* They are sooo delicious. Its one of the rare times I can undertstand why RB likes to have meat for every meal.
Plan for today is to read read read. Have a good day y’all!
Meanwhile enjoy this song that I am in love with right now. CheggitOut!
Manmohini morey- Shankar Tucker , Aditya Rao, Ajay Ravichandran