After the moment of orgasm, there is a greater realization of the face of the lover. But if the lover is not the beloved, there is such a discord, my mind deserts my body for a while.
Category Archives: Thoughts/ Ideas
There is a path. Then there is another path. The uncertainty and new-ness of that path is enticing. But soon after, there is a realization that that path is actually in the same wood as the first path. The new path I have attempted also does not give me the assurance, comfort and sense of home that the first path brought me. It did for a while entice and excite me, but soon I began to seek and remember the sublime sun-kissed joy of the first path in these woods. It was not always the same, it changed colours, the path had green tress sometimes, yellow and pink at other times. But it always gave me joy, a lot of shade, grassy burrows to rest in and most-importantly, just seeing it flourish in happiness, makes me happy.
A day full of insights. One of the most important insights from today was that I realized the purpose of my life.
1.The purpose of my life is to gather new experiences.
2.New experiences. An infant seeing people play Holi for the first time must totally be tripping adults looking ridiculous behaving absurd.
3. Played Holi in the morning in JNU. I love JNU for the place it is. Bhaang served in the hostel mess during breakfast, the entire campus tripping and it being absolutely acceptable to run around tearing one’s own shirt and throwing it up on a tree.
4. This has been my favourite best day in Delhi so far.
5. When a visually challenged student walks through Jhelum lawns while Holi is being celebrated in JNU, what does he/she perceive and sense? But Kazi says that colour also has frequencies and sounds. He hummed me a quick ‘aahhh’ which was supposed to be the sound for a green colour and indeed, his tone resonated of green. They can sense auras and waves of colour.
6. Holi is a great festival, especially to celebrate with one’s family and close friends. I like the Lall family where I was at all day today. They have a wonderful way of being on Holi, together, each inviting their own friends, and sharing their own friends with each other. accepting each other.
Yesterday, he used the word love to define what is between us.
He said that I am going to get knotted up , I won’t like it. I will break it one day and burn everything around me, and fly away.
I wonder at this. Huddled close on that winter night, I wondered at it from afar. It is always far. I am. far.
Is that why I always shy away from the knots? or often compelled by the fieriness of them do I knit them myself, like a puppeteer nimbly tracing wisps of air, pulling to secure a knot. and then light a match to see everything explode, myself burn slowly, only to be found already present somewhere else. Fully covered in wax.
I would like to allow it be peeled away. Not by him, not him at all. Although he believes he has it.
Flowers found/left in between the pages of books
They had fallen in between the sheets from one’s hair. Before that they were on found under the trees that give less shade.
Highways. The sounds heard on them. As one is riding, a huge truck passes by, a high pitched sound far away. Eyes open to glimpse a dim light on the horizon, it warms a villager. the light then, of the loud bus stop, is shocking.
Bluerider, riding in cold winters, in warm summers, always.
Keep riding, my friend.
This is an attempt at a poem about the day after something significant or insignificant.
Its as yet incomplete and am not even sure if is at all meant to be one single poem.
The day after
The day after the night
when the first raindrops fell
everyone saw that the drops had
placed themselves gingerly on tips of green leaves,
and on the edges of crisp blades of grass.
One had arranged itself on the spot on the car windshield
so that when they looked from the front
it made look like a brilliant luminous diamond
had etched itself on the crease of her smile.
The day after their examinations ended
the excited kids woke up far too early
although they had decided that they would sleep till noon.
They made plans about all the candies they would eat
all the games they would play and all the films they would watch.
But by eve they had split into factions of Iago and Othello
and thus began the trysts of adolesence that weren’t resolved
until they had children of their own.
The day after the road was fixed
everyone still walked as if the road was not fixed.
They drove around the ghosts of potholes
and stepped aside from non-existent pits.
The day after she first spent the night at his
she woke up forgetting this very fact
because she had dreamt very realistically
that the war had ended and that her dad
The day after she first spent the night at his
he stopped kissing her and it broke her heart
while his was seized by fear
because the day after
she first spent the night at his
he realized that he liked men.
The day after their friend died
they woke up raw with dry eyes
grieving at their inability to weep
for ther tears did no justice to their sadness.
The day after the war ended
the soldiers packed up their rifles
and retraced their tanks
but had forgotten to make the
Ivorian child forget how to use a gun.
I’ve just had a very inspiring idea for myself!need time off but need that to be educational time!
month time off (why to follow any of society’s codes including that of structuring time) of self-education doing things I don’t otherwise do or have had to do or gotten a chance to yet!
There could be many things but here are some ideas
– a short apprenticeship with a mechanic where I can learn to fix bikes and cars
– a short apprenticeship with a potter!
– Some time off in the Himalayan farm where I had gone to stay briefly last year.I could learn to do some hardcore farming, permaculture,
– Bajao the flute!
When I was young, I proclaimed that my biggest fear is fear itself.
fear of stepping out of my comfort zone, fear of the unknown, fear of acknowledging my unhappiness, fear of turning more unhappy, fear of failure. fear of not trying out of the fear of failure – these were things I loathed and was sure I wasn’t the kind of person to fall into that trap.
But not very long after living a sort of grown-up life, I can already feel fear of the unknown grow upon me. It feels like creepers crawling up my legs, coiling around my heart, pretending to embrace me but really choking me. On some days I thank nightfall to have arrived so that it is finally time for me to sleep, or atleast try. Some mornings bring dread with them and despair at what the day would bring.
I am sure it is just this phase and it is going to be all good very soon.
Basically I have to present my synopsis on May 1st. There is some annoying politics and favouritism going on in my Department and I don’t have the energy or time to deal with it. But as life would have it I have been flung right in the middle of it all and I do hope we all get away unscathed.
Also at work this is the exact time when I am most most busy because of a big ass big money event coming up on May 18th that I am incharge of. Also the two people who are sort of above me at work will not be here in the intermediary 2 weeks before the event so its going to be some very sweaty business. I hate that any of this has anything to do with money.
On some days I can realize that I have been very privileged with such a good comfortable birth, nice family, lovely friends, good education and the possibility to dream as I do. Its even a privilege to be able to think about what I really want to do as many in this country don’t have such a luxury or option.
But but..c’est difficile! Growing up is certainly not easy. My dreams are blurred, I believe in much lesser- in myself as well as in the world, I am lost in what I want to do or why at all. If the purpose of life is to leave a legacy, change it for the better, or just live comfortably and die smoking a joint whether or not the next person has food to eat – I do not know.
I wonder what I wanr. I am afraid to know what I want.