After the moment of orgasm, there is a greater realization of the face of the lover. But if the lover is not the beloved, there is such a discord, my mind deserts my body for a while.
Category Archives: Me
I am really good at keeping secrets. Sometimes, I keep secrets from myself, never accepting some or acknowledging some fleeting truths, and conveniently forgetting secrets about myself that I have chanced upon.
T-chen is a secret I have kept for about 2 and a half years now. However, he occupies a few recesses and perhaps even the hypothalamus of my brain. We have been together since sometime in August 2012 . He is a nice guy. a kind sensitive soul. a curious bear. with a loud uninhibited laughter. infectious happiness. He says that the guiding force of his life is love. and this makes him a very special person. He has supported me through several bad phases. even now, prodding me to shine, while still allowing me to enjoy a lull. T-chen shares my sorrows, holds me when I am sad, listens to me earnestly when I have no words, and lets me enjoy his undivided attention when it is not occupied by books. He tries constantly and succeeds well in understanding what it is like to be female on this planet at this time. He is politically environmentally socially conscious. And the universe is a better place because he is here.
His eyes are dark blue with a tinge of grey, which twinkle and become smaller when he smiles. His hair is dark brown but gets lighter in summer. He has this habit of brushing back his hair with his hand that keeps falling to his forehead like he is one of the Beatles. He does not like this at all. He is very tall and I have to go on my toes to kiss him when we are both standing up. He smells and feels like home.
I love my T-chen.
Who is T-chen? I keep finding out each day, even now, when he has gone away for a while. I realize what his presence did to me when he is absent, and this way, I note something about him that I hadn’t before. I also learn things about myself, in this life with him. I would like to continue finding out who T-chen is.
There are a few things I remember about him. But with each passing year, my memories of him dwindle and I forget that they were ever there. My first long-distance-relationship. My father.
I am told that, as a little girl, I once proclaimed that I wanted to marry a person who would be just like him. A very special person, full of kindness, joy and warmth, he was always my hero when I was growing up.
He was a fairly strict, disciplined in many ways but totally lacked it in other ways. He would make uswake up early even during our summer holidays and go out for a jog or to the park. On most days he would accompany us. But he would come back from that exercise and take a long siesta in the afternoon, this made my mother very angry. She said that there was no point to his morning walk if he slept right after a heavy lunch!
My father made me learn the multiplication table upto 15 x 15, front to back, back to front, just when I was 6 years old. He was of the opinion that intelligent children ought to be strong in mathematics. He was a chartered accountant himself. Unfortunately he din’t do his own personal money maths too well, so he was in a lot of debt. This part about him being bad about his own money is my mother’s opinion. I think that he cared about us so much and loved us so much, that he wanted to leav no stone unturned in giving us a good education. Even if it was difficult for him to pay the school fee each month, or send us to hobby classes such as dancing and tennis, he made sure we never gave it up. He had a passion for life and his motto, of live and let live was something he followed to the T. He lived large and was always kind to everyone. His zest for life is evident in all the things that inspired him and tat he shared with me. In class six, he sent me letter on a yellow page. and attached the letter was the poem that still remains among my most cherished ones. It was called Don’t Quit.
When he came back home from work, I could hear the jingle of his keys one the second floor, even as he entered the building on the ground floor. To me it was the most joyous sound, of my father returning home. My favourite person in the world returning home to spend the rest of the evening with me!
It was quite a shock to me when I stopped hearing it. At that time I think I dealt with it pretty well. Looking back, I think I looked upon it almost as a fancy event. That my father had gone to another land to save us all from hunger and despair was a superhero fantasy. I believed we would go and join him again and be like the family we were, once again.
I just realized that I have even been writing of him in the past tense!
I am not sure when I realized that it was going to happen that way. Some time after my father left, it was my mother, my brother and I.
We learnt to make all decisions independently without having to consult my father, or even eachother sometimes. If my mother din’t feel like cooking, she would independently decide that we were eating out. It was just the 3 of us for so long and for the greater part of my memory. (It has almost entirely been just the 3 of us in my brother’s memory. I wonder how he feels about this all.) This is why a lot of things I know instinctively are for 3 people. I know the measurements of rice, dal, vegetables that need to be cooked for 3 people. I know the cost of living for 3 people. I know water quantities used and number of luggage bags and life lived by 3 people.
I have forgotten what it is like to have appa around, often forgetting him altogether. I think of him a bit later than one would think of their father, when I want to share a good or bad news. I have few things to say to him and now, as I have grown up, all the fights that come from generation gaps have manifested themselves. This has made communication even more strained and difficult, for two people who already spoke less. Two people who are so intensely bound together by blood and truth and love, but have forgotten to love.
But perhaps its only me who has forgotten to love. I wonder how he feels about this. I know that he thought about us all the time in the beginning. But I am wondering about now. I wonder if he is moved by love or if he thinks of us forlornly in an alien manner.
I suppose he wants only the best for us and wants us to be happy. as I do wish for him.
But this is only in the times that I think of him. I am sorry and I sad about this, but it its true that these times are few.
My father was my first long-distance relationship.
and it has taught me things about myself, it has determined how I interact with people, my desire for intense privacy, my desire to trust few, my desire to seek for people and then run away on finding a hand to clasp. Perhaps it will change one day, but for now, I know that it certainly has moulded how I feel about relationships, and deal with people who I am distanced from.
Out of sight, out of mind. Not necessarily “out of mind”, but certainly cast aside. With friends and relatives, I pick up from where we left off and am absolutely fine with it.
But perhaps there are relations that are not meant to be cast aside. This is where it begins to hurt and I fear to let another person close to me, believing he would leave to go far away.
Leave a gaping hole.
An empty seat in a table meant for four.
Despite being an extremely scatologocally obsessed person, I try to keep my blog outside that zone and never crack any potty jokes or talk about how good/bad my excretory functions have been each morning.
But after so long, there has been an amazing breakthrough in life and its only fair to humanity to share it here.
Before I start, here is a DISCLAIMER: If you are disgusted by talk about menstruation and blood, stop reading now. If you are a woman looking for a happy period or a human who wants to gift a woman a happy period, read on!
Before I go on about what I have just discovered, I am going to birefly go over my prior experience with periods.
Inspite of having dealt with menstruation or periods for 10 years, I don’t remember a single time when I have not cursed the ordeals a woman has to go through because of this monthly occurence. My periods have spoilt many situations, such as school picnics, swimming competitions, days out on the beach, train journeys, trekking expeditions, comfortable nights of sleep, nights with boys I might fancy and have even spoilt nice skirts because of leaks and stains. (Need I complain about the extra laundry that a leak makes us do?)
Unlike most other women, I have had to suffer from only occassional cramps in my back and have not had to go through whole days of debilitating pain that reconciles me to the bed as I know many friends have to. Ofcourse I have also had bouts of PMS (yes, this is a real thing) where I am sulky and make it a point to let everyone know.
I had been using Sanitary napkins to handle the menstrual flow and thought it was great that I had managed to find a brand that made wide, thin and absorbent napkins that guarantee 90% chances of no leak. and yet , I have some friends who have acute menstrual conditions and have to change 11 of those very same pads in a single day.
This whole ordeal of a monthly occurrence (I must say it is an ordeal even if its not monthly because then one might fret about pregnancy) causes great physical and mental anxiety and pain, and also causes a whole in our pockets. I would spend about Rs120 every month on sanitary napkins and I know that for many women, it is much more.
But now! with the advent of January 2014, during my first period of the year, I looked something like this.
The main reason behind this was…
Drumroll….da dum da dum!!
….The main reason behind this was that I used a MOONCUP!!
What is a Mooncup?
A Mooncup is a silicone menstrual cup that is a safer, convinient and eco-friendly alternative to tampons and sanitary napkins. As mooncup.co.uk claims rightfully, the Mooncup menstrual cup offers an end to the waste, discomfort and expense of disposable sanitary protection.
What does it look like?
As the product already claims and has been testified to be true by many many women around the world, the mooncup is caring for the woman’s vagina. Tampons often cause dryness and sanitary napkins can cause rashes. But the Mooncup is safer as it is made from soft medical grade silicone, is latex-free, contains no dyes, bleaches or toxins.
It is an Environment-friendly option. It is reusable.One mooncup can be used for every day of the period, for every period, for even upto 10 years. It is extremely easy to clean and sterilise , and hence will not cause any infection. While sanitary napkins and tampons fill up landfills all over the world, the mooncup is sensitive to Mother Nature.
Since it is reusable, it is obviously a cheaper option. I paid Rs1800 for the mooncup (I din’t have to pay for shipping as I asked someone to bring it for me from London), and this means that in a little more than a year I will make up the cost.
HOW it is used?
This video can explain better.
It might sound disgusting to you, but trust me , it is actually beautiful.
Why I LOVE the Mooncup?
I have never ever before been so happy about my period. I AM ACTUALLY HAPPY DURING MY PERIOD.
I must give a little bit too much information here, but it is necessary. I have actually gotten to know my body better and appreciate it more now. I am in awe of nature for having creating such beautifully complicated biological systems. I have even gotten to understand my period better, knowing better than ever before, the exact state of my flow as the period progresses. I din’t remember at any point during my period, that I actually had ’em because I felt none of the usual discomfort.
Physical activity, Exercise and dancing wearing a mooncup: Absolutely safe. Absolutely comfortable. I could even dance freely and do multiple somersaults during dance class while wearing a mooncup during my period.
[Addition on Oct 25th , 2014: So this year I also went open water diving in the Andaman and Nicobar islands and got my period on the last day. I did not use the mooncup because scientifically we figured that if there is an air pocket that cannot be equalized (My friend rightly pointed out that this would requiure me to equalize my vagina, hahaha), it was safe to not use the mooncup without consultation or advice about whether it is safe to use while diving where pressure imbalance can be created at even a few meters underwater. So I just used a tampon for the first time in my life. If you know about how diving and mooncups go together, please let me know!]
Cramps: Though I don’t have much experience with this problem, my friend who got the mooncup for me from the UK and has been using the mooncup for 7 years now, says that even her cramps and body pain reduced ever since she started using the mooncup. However, I can’t really figure out any scientific reason this should happen and it may just be a coincidence.
I am a cheap-master. So I am a big time kanjoos (Terminology: Miser). Towards the end of the period, say the 5th day, when I think that it is probably over and wouldn’t want t waste a sanitary pad (Rs12 ish) on it and just go to class/work like its a normal day. Then I get like a 3 ml flow and its annoying. Now there is laundry to be done and I wear fresh knickers and decide to use a pad. Thats when there is no flow! Great, Waste of money. Hmmph!
But a Mooncup can be used till the end of the period, for all days! This makes it even more economical and a sensible option for women who have longer menstrual cycles.
The Difficulty and Challenge of using the Mooncup
This was only initially when I was nervous about putting such a large thing up my vajajay. I postponed using it for four months after buying it. Once I finally tired, I failed and chickened out. The next month, I actually got through and had to immediately ride my scooter. I felt it prick under me and realized I had gotten it wrong as you are not even supposed to feel it there! The next attempt I got it right but din’t know how to get it out! Then I remembered that you just have to “breathe,relax and push down.” One day I even missed my dance class as I was afraid that if I did somersaults, the menstrual blood woudl flow back to my falopian tubes or something. None of that happened and I was absolutely comfortable during the next period when I went for super active dance and yoga classes.
It has certainly been a challenging and learning experience. But boy am I glad about this one!
For all the above reasons and many more I may soon discover, I am sure that I will never ever go back to any other form of sanitary protection for menstruation after using the Mooncup.
If you want testimonials from more women , this is one of the many I like.
Finally, a pretty neat rap battle between the tampon and the mooncup!
As I mentioned in my previous post, I have come across some very useful gyaan (TERMINOLOGY: gyaan- knowledge/ advice (Hindi)) about life and the state of things as they are in the world and think it might be nice of me to dispense it to you guys.
I should like to give credit to my friend Gilgamesh who is the creator of this theory and also in this process am attempting to set him up with any women who read this (only because thats how he leans though I think guys should try too).
So the theory goes like this —
Most things in life are like a bus stop.
You wait at the bus stop for ages and forever, but there wouldn’t be any sign of the bus. But suddenly, after forever, 3-4 buses come together one after the other, and confuse you about which one to take. If you board a bus, can you get off before the final destination? How committed are you expected to be to the bus? Can other people board the bus? Will the bus get moody and break down on the way? What if the bus isn’t going where you want to go? Would you do best to leave all the buses and take your own private vehicle even if that means cycling alone for miles?
Or do you take a chance?
Its in your hands, your mind, your heart. It is in you.
Anyway, the point was that as Gilgamesh has profoundly pointed out, Life is like a bus stop. Whether you apply it to work, education, passions, love lives, oppportunities, or anything that might not even matter at all. Are you taking a chance?
Are you boarding a bus?
Since I am sitting so vella in Kuwait during the holidays and don’t have much to do, apart from the occasional internship work, fun reading and watching movies, I have been venturing into the kitchen once in a while.
A few days back I made the Hyderabadi Dum Biryani. My non-vegetarian friends always make fun of me saying that biryani can NEVER be vegetarian and that anything that is called biryani or is supposed to be eaten has to have some meat in it. But that’s just what we made- Vegetable Hyderabadi Dum Biryani. Boy was it delicious!
I followed the recipe from this website here where Dassana gives out recipes for lip-smacking food and always has beautiful pictures of food that makes you really feel like cooking these dishes. Check out the recipe here – http://www.vegrecipesofindia.com/hyderabad-veg-biryani-hyderabadi-vegetable-dum-biryani-recipe/
Here is a picture of my attempt that almost failed because I ignored the gas with all the commotion online about the Higgs Boson particle being found! woohoo for that!
Doesn’t it look delicious?! Oh it was! So after all that absolute lack of modesty in my culinary skills, I will leave you to trying it out yourself.
Have a nice Sunday. I hope you are not being subject to watch Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham on TV right now. I can hear just the sound from the other room and I just cannot believe that Indian audiences could ever be corny enough to like that movie and I could be corny enough to have danced excitedly in front of the TV copying this, even if I was 11 years old. 😐
My boss at the place where I am interned recently lost his father and so I had a few days off too. When he got back, I realized that I am supposed to be an adult now and am responsible for paying my own condolences. I asked my parents what I should say, looked up youtube for ‘how to pay condolences’ and even rehearsed. And yet , I screwed up. 😐
Youtube has nothing noteworthy on this subject, btw. There were just news reels about famous people going to pay condolences on the death of other famous people or fans of musicians crying their lungs out.
I don’t know whats wrong with me. Usually I never tend to be able to grasp the gravity of death and mostly I guess, even deny it. I’ve never had anyone super close to me pass away, just my maternal grandfather. I was about 15 then. I did like him a lot but don’t think I cried about it at all. My friend Vidya lost her dad not too long back, and since she was my own age and had known her for many years, I knew how to console her and allow her to accept teh situation and grieve at the same time. But this was my boss. I’ve barely known him a month. So I was talking to another colleague and was already smiling when my boss came up front for the first time since his father’s death.
Me: (smiling)Hello Sir, how are you?
Boss : (pleasant and grim) I’m good.
Me: (still smiling :O :O) I heard about your father. Im so sorry for your loss.
Me: (controlling my smile) Was he unwell?
Boss: Yea, he had been hospiatlized.
Me: (trying to look serious) and you got back…? [I din’t even know if he had gone to home country or nt or where his father had been. Hence, the trailing off of the question.]
You see? It was bloody awkward and I had actually smiled! and that was inspite of the rehearsal at home. I think its a defense mechanism of some sort where I try to allay the sadness of death with a smile and pretend like it does not exist.
So I end up having a pathetic expression thast somewhere between laughing and looking serious.
Like this –
Do you guys know what I can do about this ? How do you guys pay condolences\ to your friend or boss? What are the right things to say?
I have been saved the grief so far, but there is an age after which I suppose one finds oneself in such situations more often. So I’d better be ready, eh?
I am obsessed with shit. Yessir, you read right. I am scatologically obsessed and my friends know that I usually have atleast one conversation about shit everyday.
My theory is that this is a hereditary behaviour which I picked up from my grandfather over the years. He is 86 now, but even when he was much younger he would be quite tensed about (a)time and (b)shit. So when we are to leave on trips or a journey, he would insist that we reach the train station 2 hours before the train actually leaves. We wake up at 4am to catch a train that leaves at 11am from the train station that is only one hour away. He was always nervous like that. But when coupled with potty, its a whole new level of absurdity. In a recent journey, when I had gone to get my grandparents to Bombay from our village, he refused to get started on the journey because he hadn’t been able to shit since that morning. He did coem with us finally, but that was only after he and my grandma fought World War III.
Anyway, I have taken it up from this amazing grandpa of mine and worry like hell if If can’t go, especially before a journey. I drink two glasses of hot water every morning to flush all ‘toxins’ out of my body. When we got the University internet student ids, I discovered that the Admin had put various filters on the University internet connection. How did I find out? It was because I Google-ed the word ‘SHIT’.
The first word I google-ed when I got my personal internet connection on campus was the ‘shit’.
Fortunately, I have good enough bunch of friends are used to me now and are not so disgusted if I talk about stuff related to this. Infact, they know that I will definitely know the solution if they are having a bad stomach. 😛
Incidentally, I also have friends who are as scatologically-obsessed as I am. One of them in my university even made an art exhibit revolving around this subject and made stencil paintings associating shit with political, scoial, sexual, popular, comic, anthropological conventions. It was really cool!
I think Ivan is presently even using this for his Mphil thesis so you so how pre-occupied some of us about this subject. Across most societies it is treated as something profane and talking about it is considered impolite, uncivilized, a taboo, indecent and a lot more. But I really don’t see why its so disgusting.
Everyone shits! Even the king and queen.
Hello ye folks! Good morning! My plan to wake up at 6.30 am and go for a jog and for a yoga session was a failure , primarily because I snoozed my alarm for 2 hours. I re-started jogging and joined the Yoga kendra here on Friday and now that my abs and thighs are seeing exercise after a long time, every part of my body is in pain, including my hair. Its better than how I felt when I woke up yesterday with a hangover and with my hair smelling of 50 cigarettes. Yuck! But the moustache party was awesome! Great food, great music! Everybody was crazy high and I don’t remember much from what happened post 4 am but I am told I did do some wild funny dancing. 😀
We went for a class trip yesterday evening to the Jama Masjid and Red Fort for the sound and light show. The music was nice but the sound system was really screwed up , so it took away a lot from the sound and light. But the Diwaan-e-aam, Hamaam and other structures of the Red Fort looked glorious bathed in yellow light with the waters of the Yamuna behind it.
Oh guess what?! We wet to Karim’s in Chandni Chowk after the Red fort. Its a place known for non-vegetarian food. But being a conditioned vegetarian , I have come up with very innovative ways to get away with eating non-vegetarian food sometimes and not feel terrible. So yesterday I had Seekh Kababs and Shammi Kababs. *Drool* They are sooo delicious. Its one of the rare times I can undertstand why RB likes to have meat for every meal.
Plan for today is to read read read. Have a good day y’all!
Meanwhile enjoy this song that I am in love with right now. CheggitOut!
I just got off the phone with KB a couple of hours back and we have decided mutually (after being put forward by me) that we are going to end whatever it was or wasn’t between us. I guess you don’t know the history between us, I’ll write about it sometime. But it should suffice to say that I have liked him or the idea of him since 8th standard. Thats 8 years. 😐
Anyway, this is how I came to the decision.By making a table.(Sorry, its not too neat. )
|WHAT I KNOW||WHAT I DON’T KNOW|
|What I had once for KB was love||Do I still feel like that? Does he like me now?|
|One falls in love more than once in life (I heard this on Discovery Channel so its scientifically proven)||Do they fall out of love before they fall into the next?|
|I have an illusion of him that I love.||Have I created an illusion of myself for him to fall for?|
|It will be a while (atleast till October) before we meet||Is it a matter of time? Is it worth waiting for longer?|
|He doesn’t know everything about me, I don’t express all to him.||If I do express, will he care?/be interested in knowing?/understand? Will he still like me?|
|Love is good (I try to believe so).||Am I capable of being constant in it?|
I tried answering the ‘What I don’t know’ part of the table and I realized that as things are now, this can’t go forward any more and can’t work out.
So two nights back when I wrote this and decided I will tell KB that we shouldn’ go on with whatever this is because he will be hurt in the end, so it better be now. I also had a feeling that I like him now also just because I am so used to that idea, its comfortable. It used to be faraway and unattainable and I could always escape to it. Now I don’t know if I want it anymore when it is attainable. Two reasons- 1. May be I romanticized him to be better than anyone can really be. 2. The whole commitment thing SCARES ME.
I also decided that he probably doesn’t like me so much either. Because we hadn’t spoken for a week which happens often. I wonder if this is because of ego and if it was , then its completely contradictory with what they say about love.But the next morning after I wrote this,he called up and I got confused again. He was so nice that I din’t have the heart to bring this up. Also, I din’t even feel like hurting that sweet kid.
I decided that Either I am a bitch now, or I am a bitch later. But its got to happen sometime or another.So I went ahead and wrote him a mail to him because he is so lazy and was sleeping at 12.50 am.Ok I know tahts late. But he is still a lazy boy ok.
He finally read it today and we spoke about it. He said he wanted to talk about it too, just that he was confused. Some girl had asked him out a while back. They are not dating or anything,but he was just considering. He was going to tell me about it.
Anyway I told him that if he really considered me his friend he would have told me unhesitatingly. I tried to convince him that he doesn’t need me, he has friends there in that city and that we need not talk anymore. He protested about these things. But I told him that it complicates things for me, and that I am a hyperventilating person, this is a stress for me that I can’t handle. It is also for his good because he ought to get space to look around for other people.and not be complicated or confused or doubtful with me being around.He said maybe we can check it out later when we are in the same city to which I said that we need not look into the future so much. As far as being friends is concerned, there are too many hang ups to deal with. Its best left alone. He seemed a bit upset about it but again got the good boy award by saying ‘ok, If thats what you want.’ Thus, it was mutual. Especially because he had been toying with the idea himself for a while.
So anyway its over now. If it means anything at all, I have removed him from my speed dial.
Obviously we were never together so this is not a break up. But I guess on a mental level it is one, And altthough I am the one who initiated it after thinking it through thoroughly, I might want to cry. 😦
I just hope that I remind myself of all the reasons behind why I took this well thought out discussion which is for his and my best welfare. Even if it might make us really really sad right now.