After the moment of orgasm, there is a greater realization of the face of the lover. But if the lover is not the beloved, there is such a discord, my mind deserts my body for a while.
Category Archives: Love and all
Spring nights, the nip of winter is still in the air and a song keeps me company under the nearly full moon
I am really good at keeping secrets. Sometimes, I keep secrets from myself, never accepting some or acknowledging some fleeting truths, and conveniently forgetting secrets about myself that I have chanced upon.
T-chen is a secret I have kept for about 2 and a half years now. However, he occupies a few recesses and perhaps even the hypothalamus of my brain. We have been together since sometime in August 2012 . He is a nice guy. a kind sensitive soul. a curious bear. with a loud uninhibited laughter. infectious happiness. He says that the guiding force of his life is love. and this makes him a very special person. He has supported me through several bad phases. even now, prodding me to shine, while still allowing me to enjoy a lull. T-chen shares my sorrows, holds me when I am sad, listens to me earnestly when I have no words, and lets me enjoy his undivided attention when it is not occupied by books. He tries constantly and succeeds well in understanding what it is like to be female on this planet at this time. He is politically environmentally socially conscious. And the universe is a better place because he is here.
His eyes are dark blue with a tinge of grey, which twinkle and become smaller when he smiles. His hair is dark brown but gets lighter in summer. He has this habit of brushing back his hair with his hand that keeps falling to his forehead like he is one of the Beatles. He does not like this at all. He is very tall and I have to go on my toes to kiss him when we are both standing up. He smells and feels like home.
I love my T-chen.
Who is T-chen? I keep finding out each day, even now, when he has gone away for a while. I realize what his presence did to me when he is absent, and this way, I note something about him that I hadn’t before. I also learn things about myself, in this life with him. I would like to continue finding out who T-chen is.
Yesterday, he used the word love to define what is between us.
He said that I am going to get knotted up , I won’t like it. I will break it one day and burn everything around me, and fly away.
I wonder at this. Huddled close on that winter night, I wondered at it from afar. It is always far. I am. far.
Is that why I always shy away from the knots? or often compelled by the fieriness of them do I knit them myself, like a puppeteer nimbly tracing wisps of air, pulling to secure a knot. and then light a match to see everything explode, myself burn slowly, only to be found already present somewhere else. Fully covered in wax.
I would like to allow it be peeled away. Not by him, not him at all. Although he believes he has it.
Flowers found/left in between the pages of books
They had fallen in between the sheets from one’s hair. Before that they were on found under the trees that give less shade.
Highways. The sounds heard on them. As one is riding, a huge truck passes by, a high pitched sound far away. Eyes open to glimpse a dim light on the horizon, it warms a villager. the light then, of the loud bus stop, is shocking.
Bluerider, riding in cold winters, in warm summers, always.
Keep riding, my friend.
Yesterday I noticed my lover’s shoulder.
Winter fogged the window behind the drapes, but a warmth created by the room heater(second-hand but in perfect condition)
and two loving bodies engulfed the room. Delicate yellow light from a bed-side shade threw shadows on us
and my eyes
and especially his shoulders.
After watching an episode of Sherlock(Season 3 episode 3 brilliant!) with him,
discussing, dissecting, and laughing about it, with him,
it was the only place I wanted to be in
and no Spy with a voice like Benedict Cumberbatch could have changed that.
In the process of writing this, I have just now google-searched the words ‘shoulder anatomy’
to understand and explain to you exactly
how beautiful did look my lover’s shoulders.
It was neither the most-muscular nor the most-toned shoulder I have seen,
nothing like Daniel Craig in his better days.
But a certain manner in which he held me in those moments,
shone three distinct lines of muscle and sinew in yellow shadows,
that whispered to me about love, care and affection,
and made me wonder at the universe that could make these shoulders possible.
“Ah Science! Ah Universe!”, thought I
and stretched out my arms barely tracing my fingers over them,
too afraid to alter the grace
that is held within the petals of my lover’s shoulders.
I din’t think until now that his shoulders are a different colour from my own.
While his shine like smooth ivory,
mine are more like wood, varying between shades of walnut and chestnut in parts.
But we are happy to push our shoulders together in the darkness of the cinema,
and brush them gently against one another,
unnoticed in the chatter and laughter of social gatherings.
(This specific shoulder of my lover has no moles,
unlike his back whose landscape is scattered with stars,
that are nice to kiss or to play join-the-dots.)
If I was O. Henry or Guy de Maupassant, I would tell you that those shoulders had no arms to end,
or if I was Sir Doyle or Oscar Wilde, my lover would be a spy, a prince or a frog.
But this is not a story and its no such romantic thing.
This is real life and my lover is real person.
with a human heart.
(and beautiful shoulders.)
As I mentioned in my previous post, I have come across some very useful gyaan (TERMINOLOGY: gyaan- knowledge/ advice (Hindi)) about life and the state of things as they are in the world and think it might be nice of me to dispense it to you guys.
I should like to give credit to my friend Gilgamesh who is the creator of this theory and also in this process am attempting to set him up with any women who read this (only because thats how he leans though I think guys should try too).
So the theory goes like this —
Most things in life are like a bus stop.
You wait at the bus stop for ages and forever, but there wouldn’t be any sign of the bus. But suddenly, after forever, 3-4 buses come together one after the other, and confuse you about which one to take. If you board a bus, can you get off before the final destination? How committed are you expected to be to the bus? Can other people board the bus? Will the bus get moody and break down on the way? What if the bus isn’t going where you want to go? Would you do best to leave all the buses and take your own private vehicle even if that means cycling alone for miles?
Or do you take a chance?
Its in your hands, your mind, your heart. It is in you.
Anyway, the point was that as Gilgamesh has profoundly pointed out, Life is like a bus stop. Whether you apply it to work, education, passions, love lives, oppportunities, or anything that might not even matter at all. Are you taking a chance?
Are you boarding a bus?
My grandparents are my favourite people in the world. They are also quite deaf and I suspect its my grandma’s habit of watching TV real loud that made him hard of hearing too. When they are around, conversations are funny and repeated four times. We all talk really loudly and the TV volume is further increased and so we all talk more loudly. Even if they want to talk about something secretly, they go to the other room and talk loud enough for us to hear. haha! I love them. Blindly and more than anyone.
Last year, they celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. It was on 2nd April, 1951 , a day after April Fool’s Day ,(my grandfather often jokes about it) that they got married. So 60 years on, we arranged a great party and even had their friends from old times over. Watching them that night, and even now, it struck me that even after so many years of being together, they still have things to say to eachother. They even spend all their time together, so its not as if they are informing eachother about what they did that day. They look out for eachother and truly care. They still fight and crack jokes about eachother to us. But I know, they would crack without eachother.
Their marriage was arranged by their parents and they hadn’t even met before they got married. And this is how it turned out. On that one day, I felt may be marriages can work. But may be it was just them. May be they wouldn’t have separated even they hated the guts of eachother simply because of societal stigma. One never knows.
Yet, I am somehow, never lay my hands around the idea of spending the rest of your life with one person. Though I understand the value of companionship, the idea of spending the rest of your life with one person, really scares me. You might say you are in love with him. But I wonder if it won’t fizzle out, won’t you begin to doubt, get bored, get scared or fall in love with someone else? I know that divorce is fairly common and accepted now. However, why would anyone enter a relationship, already anticipating an end and knowing that they have a way out of it?
I read in the news today that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are splitting after 5 years of marriage. Can you beleive it, after he clowned around so much on Oprah. I don’t care about them at all but didn’t they have time earlier to figure out that they don’t get along? Arnold Schwarzernegger and his wife split up after 25 years of marriage because of some illegitimate child he fathered many years back. I know I can in no capacity understand her situation, but I suppose I could forgive some mistake like that. Especially if I have discovered that for 25 years this person has kept me happy and we can be in the same room, without shattering plates or having the silence shatter us.
Marriage is something I haven’t understood even with the countless movies, famous couples or even with my own family and parents. I don’t know why its necessary to put that tag on your relationship just because society is comfortable with it and thinks it appropriate for you to want it. Even live-in relationships can have everything a marriage has. and have equal chances of failing, ofcourse. Why does an acknowledgement by a governments civil laws or by a religion, make a relationship sacred or more important? I am sure the breaking of any other relationship should be just as painful and important or unimportant.
In India, parents think its their duty to get their children married by the mid-twenties and pay for it too. The whole event or the not timely occurrence of it is a stigma and becomes an over-riding question in the lives of the parents, grandparents, uncles,aunts, neighbours and colleagues. It becomes everyone’s business really.
As my understanding of it stands now, love usually fizzles out. and after that its just habit and fear of the lack of this person, or of loneliness that keeps one going. Marriage usually adds other wheels like children and property to this. I am not really sure of all these things about relationships are marriages. But I sure of one thing- that I am afraid to find out the truth.
I was in the Himalayas this summer. Trekking upto almost 13000 feet, we crossed the Saurkundi pass in the Kullu valley through an expedition organised by the Youth Hostel Association of India. From reporting at the base camp to touching the base camp again after the trek it was 11 days in all. As we climbed and went to each campsite, nature in all its splendour was revealed to us.
The thing about the Himalayas is that never ceases to amaze you. I have been to the Himalayas before while trekking on another valley, and yet, this time again , I was moved beyond words to see snow-peaked mountains. It’s incredible to see these shimmering white all around, except perhaps a few mountains far across that have black clouds hovering above and are shrouded in fog, and you know that it’s snowing there. The fresh sweet water, the wind whispering tales of where its been, green blades of grass uncrumpled, the kiss of the first few snow drops – everything resides within me.
This time, we were the 15th group to leave from the Saurkundi base-camp at Babeli and were hence called SK15. Quite funnily, my younger brother was chosen the group leader and after two days of acclimatization, we set out for the top. I have been on such treks before, but what was extraordinary was that 25 deaf-and-dumb students from a school in Bhavnagar(Gujarat) were trekking with us along with their teachers for guidance. Spending many days with them, they taught us not just the sign-language, but many more lessons. They were always so excited to learn and really see what was around them. They accepted their handicap as a part of something god-given and never were they upset about it. I remember, once I was talking to one of them in sign language and telling him that I love to dance. I asked him what he liked, drawing?singing? To that, he indicated, ‘yes, singin. But I can’t really sing because I have no voice.’ Thats when I realized. I had become so engrossed in conversing that I had forgotten his disability. A glass shattered within me as I realized that even our hobbies have so much to do with our senses which we so often take so much for granted. They could not hear music. I was distressed. I apologized to him and he just replied saying that god had made him that way. I also realized that its stupid that I was surprised at these children being able to trek. Ofcourse they could. They had their limbs, but more than that, they had the will. It was me who was disabled in the mind, to think that this was a great challenge for them. They had conquered much more, a long time back.
I suppose some disabilities are apparent, and others are not. In some way, we all are disabled. Or “differently-abled”, as its called in the parlance of our times.
Wes once told me something very remarkable. He pointed out how they laughed so uninhibited and with so much truth, when infact, they couldn’t even hear themselves or each other. Its been more than a month since this, and I haven’t gotten over what he said.
Well, getting back to the trek. We lived in tents at each camp and got simple yet nourishing food that will give us the stamina and strength to climb. It’s always fun at these treks. There are so many different people around, there is time to socialize and yet be alone and contemplate. Everything from politics to stupid toilet habits are discussed, and a new intimacy is found. This is a comfortable one, where there is not much hope of meeting again, though there are promises. This is an intimacy , that you think might soon fizzle out with distance,and so there is also an uninhibited-ness about the bonds formed. I met a lot of fabulous people here. Aparna, Minhaj and Wes, being the closest. Ofcourse, I found out once again, that my brother is a superb guy. At one of the lunch stops, a guy came along with the local attire and jewellery that women in the Kullu valley wear. He rented it to me for Rs 20 while I clicked pictures with it on. I even held a kid (baby goat) while I posed and learnt some steps from the local folk dance from him. 🙂
In one of the camps, Dora Thatch, I witnessed a sight we only see in paintings. Up away a little above, the hill we were on was silhouetted against a deep navy blue sky. In it, was a single large planet, the shining Venus. I had never seen her so large. On the hill, we saw silhouettes of ponies grazing and bounding around. I saw this, and such beautiful sights that I don’t have the right words to describe.
I hope my brain and my memory, can forever recollect these sights and images and people in the exact shape and shade. I don’t want to forget the details. I don’t want to forget the water’s taste. Most of all, I don’t want to forget that freedom. I don’t want to lose it.
Comment cava mes amies? I suppose there isn’t anyone reading this. Nevertheless, I am going to think that I am writing for the sake of my future biographer who will write a book on me because I am going to be such a big shot in life. 😐 😛
Anyway, life altering events happened a few months back! (Aren’t the smallest of things and events in everyday life also life altering in ways we will never know? hmmm)
1. I moved to Delhi.
So I had applied to two places for my Masters. One was CEFL in Hyderabad and the other was JNU in Delhi. I screwed up the CEFL entrance by reaching 20 minutes late for my entrance exam and din’t even finish the paper. The JNU entrance exam asked us random things about art, performance and cinema and it was such a top-of-my-head attempt that I was sure it would be another year of Bombay for me. What with all the hysteria about everyone in the Social sciences wanting to get into JNU.
Well well, so I got into JNU. (cue: mental jig :D) I love my course and the campus is awesome!! I shall be writing more about life here in future posts.
So anyway, Delhi is a huge move. Its got its own quirks and things I hate and things I love. But I am truely enjoying my time here. Its been just 5 months now, but like any other move, Delhi has been an insane learning experience. I just came across this , by the way, >>http://theshootingstar.wordpress.com/2012/01/29/moving-to-delhi-9-steps-to-survival/
2. I have moved to Delhi for good. sort of.
Yes, so I got through JNU and my brother TC got through the institution he had been vying for for his graduation. So Amma is moving to the Gulf with Appa. As a matter of fact, she is leaving from my native place today to catch her flight tomorrow. This was also the primary reason I din’t apply for any Masters in Mumbai. I wanted them to live together. We will not talk about this anymore. I needed this change anyway.Of course I miss Bombay but 20 years in the same place is not good at all for one’s development. Its scary how I always want change. 😐
When I say I have moved here for good , I mean that I have brought everything I own( except a large carton of books) , including my Scooty Monty , to Delhi. No one in Bombay now except some relatives and friends’ place to crash at. So I don’t know when will be the next time I will eat Jeevan ka Pani Puri.
This sort of breaks my heart and excites me too. I am mostly excited about the future and about life. 🙂
3. I live in hostel now. In the JNU campus. I even have a roommate!
4. KB is seeing/dating/in a relationship with someone else.
He told me this 2 days before my 21st birthday. I cried for 3 hours and haven’t ever since. (Oh no, there was this drunken weepy night 2 months back. But never, besides that.)
She likes him a lot and he likes her a lot. I was upset that he din’t tell me earlier. Everyone knows that I am super chilled out and such a liberal person. He could have just told me right when it sort of started in January and not led me on for so long.
I am done ranting about this. By the way, we are back in talking terms now and sometimes he tells me he likes me too. FuckThatShit.
5. Sachin sir and Geet got married on 4th February this year!! 😀
I used to be part of a dance troupe earlier and Sachin sir was one of the choreographers with Geet as an assistant. So these are among the people who have made me believe in myself and told me that I could dance. They are like surrogate parents to me and always looked out for me ever since I’ve known them.
6. New discoveries!! Lots of travel! New people! Delhi winter. aaah! 😀
Okay I am just adding stuff to make my last howmanyever months seem eventful. It has been eventful actually, but they each deserve a separate post. Soon soon.
Until then, here are glimpses of the different aspects of Delhi.
I haven’t clicked these images but I have been here, yea. Delhi seems like a place with as many disparities as Bombay. The only difference is that these disparities are clearly visible, established, expressed and impressed upon all the time. To illustrate simply: Everyone travels by local trains in Bombay. Peon to PHD student to MD of the company. In Delhi, there seems to be a very clear divide- auto rickshaw,bus, AC bus, metro train, car, luxury car. Oh well, every city gives us moments to cherish and teaches us things, and I am excited about what this city has in store for me.
I just got off the phone with KB a couple of hours back and we have decided mutually (after being put forward by me) that we are going to end whatever it was or wasn’t between us. I guess you don’t know the history between us, I’ll write about it sometime. But it should suffice to say that I have liked him or the idea of him since 8th standard. Thats 8 years. 😐
Anyway, this is how I came to the decision.By making a table.(Sorry, its not too neat. )
|WHAT I KNOW||WHAT I DON’T KNOW|
|What I had once for KB was love||Do I still feel like that? Does he like me now?|
|One falls in love more than once in life (I heard this on Discovery Channel so its scientifically proven)||Do they fall out of love before they fall into the next?|
|I have an illusion of him that I love.||Have I created an illusion of myself for him to fall for?|
|It will be a while (atleast till October) before we meet||Is it a matter of time? Is it worth waiting for longer?|
|He doesn’t know everything about me, I don’t express all to him.||If I do express, will he care?/be interested in knowing?/understand? Will he still like me?|
|Love is good (I try to believe so).||Am I capable of being constant in it?|
I tried answering the ‘What I don’t know’ part of the table and I realized that as things are now, this can’t go forward any more and can’t work out.
So two nights back when I wrote this and decided I will tell KB that we shouldn’ go on with whatever this is because he will be hurt in the end, so it better be now. I also had a feeling that I like him now also just because I am so used to that idea, its comfortable. It used to be faraway and unattainable and I could always escape to it. Now I don’t know if I want it anymore when it is attainable. Two reasons- 1. May be I romanticized him to be better than anyone can really be. 2. The whole commitment thing SCARES ME.
I also decided that he probably doesn’t like me so much either. Because we hadn’t spoken for a week which happens often. I wonder if this is because of ego and if it was , then its completely contradictory with what they say about love.But the next morning after I wrote this,he called up and I got confused again. He was so nice that I din’t have the heart to bring this up. Also, I din’t even feel like hurting that sweet kid.
I decided that Either I am a bitch now, or I am a bitch later. But its got to happen sometime or another.So I went ahead and wrote him a mail to him because he is so lazy and was sleeping at 12.50 am.Ok I know tahts late. But he is still a lazy boy ok.
He finally read it today and we spoke about it. He said he wanted to talk about it too, just that he was confused. Some girl had asked him out a while back. They are not dating or anything,but he was just considering. He was going to tell me about it.
Anyway I told him that if he really considered me his friend he would have told me unhesitatingly. I tried to convince him that he doesn’t need me, he has friends there in that city and that we need not talk anymore. He protested about these things. But I told him that it complicates things for me, and that I am a hyperventilating person, this is a stress for me that I can’t handle. It is also for his good because he ought to get space to look around for other people.and not be complicated or confused or doubtful with me being around.He said maybe we can check it out later when we are in the same city to which I said that we need not look into the future so much. As far as being friends is concerned, there are too many hang ups to deal with. Its best left alone. He seemed a bit upset about it but again got the good boy award by saying ‘ok, If thats what you want.’ Thus, it was mutual. Especially because he had been toying with the idea himself for a while.
So anyway its over now. If it means anything at all, I have removed him from my speed dial.
Obviously we were never together so this is not a break up. But I guess on a mental level it is one, And altthough I am the one who initiated it after thinking it through thoroughly, I might want to cry. 😦
I just hope that I remind myself of all the reasons behind why I took this well thought out discussion which is for his and my best welfare. Even if it might make us really really sad right now.