Monthly Archives: June 2011

#Don’tThinkAboutIt

Its just sad how when one is in a sad situation, the freak brain tries to somehow connect it to every song you listen to, relate to it and makes one feel miserable.

For instance, how I am noe relating this fabulous song by Adele with the whole KB thing.  Sick! But things have already gotten better you know. Its been One week since the event, and I already find myself thinking about it much lesser.I hope I am able to forget.

PS: Don’t you think Adele is a really great singer?! She has a very wide vocal range and a voice quality that is so appealing and soulful.

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Don't want to talk about it

‘Love’ in table format and how it ended

I just got off the phone with KB a couple of hours back and we have decided mutually (after being put forward by me) that we are going to end whatever it was or wasn’t between us. I guess you don’t know the history between us, I’ll write about it sometime. But it should suffice to say that I have liked him or the idea of him since 8th standard. Thats 8 years. 😐

Anyway, this is how I came to the decision.By making a table.(Sorry, its not too neat. )

             WHAT I KNOW        WHAT I DON’T KNOW
What I had once for KB was love Do I still feel like that? Does he like me now?
One falls in love more than once in life (I heard this on Discovery Channel so its scientifically proven) Do they fall out of love before they fall into the next?
I have an illusion of him that I love. Have I created an illusion of myself for him to fall for?
It will be a while (atleast till October) before we meet Is it a matter of time? Is it worth waiting for longer?
He doesn’t know everything about me, I don’t express all to him. If I do express, will he care?/be interested in knowing?/understand? Will he still like me?
Love is good (I try to believe so). Am I capable of being constant in it?

I tried answering the ‘What I don’t know’ part of the  table and I realized that as things are now, this can’t go forward any more and can’t work out.

So two nights back when I wrote this and decided I will tell KB that we shouldn’ go on with whatever this is because he will be hurt in the end, so it better be now. I also had a feeling that I like him now also just because I am so used to that idea, its comfortable. It used to be faraway and unattainable and I could always escape to it. Now I don’t know if I want it anymore when it is attainable. Two reasons- 1. May be I romanticized him to be better than anyone can really be.  2. The whole commitment thing SCARES ME.

I also decided that he probably doesn’t like me so much either. Because we hadn’t spoken for a week which happens often. I wonder if this is because of ego and if it was , then its completely contradictory with what they say about love.But the next morning after I wrote this,he called up and I got confused again. He was so nice that I din’t have the heart to bring this up. Also, I din’t even feel like hurting that sweet kid.

I decided that Either I am a bitch now, or I am a bitch later. But its got to happen sometime or another.So I went ahead and wrote him a mail to him because he is so lazy and was sleeping at 12.50 am.Ok I know tahts late. But he is still a lazy boy ok.

He finally read it today and we spoke about it. He said he wanted to talk about it too, just that he was confused. Some girl had asked him out a while back. They are not dating or anything,but he was just considering. He was going to tell me about it.

Anyway I told him that if he really considered me his friend he would have told me unhesitatingly. I tried to convince him that he doesn’t need me, he has friends there in that city and that we need not talk anymore. He protested about these things. But I told him that it complicates things for me, and that I am a hyperventilating person, this is a stress for me that I can’t handle. It is also for his good because he ought to get space to look around for other people.and not be complicated or confused or doubtful with me being around.He said maybe we can check it out later when we are in the same city to which I said that we need not look into the future so much. As far as being friends is concerned, there are too many hang ups to deal with. Its best left alone. He seemed a bit upset about it but again got the good boy award by saying ‘ok, If thats what you want.’ Thus, it was mutual. Especially because he had been toying with the idea himself for a while.

So anyway its over now. If it means anything at all, I have removed him from my speed dial.

Obviously we were never together so this is not a break up. But I guess on a mental level it is one, And altthough I am the one who initiated it after thinking it through thoroughly, I might want to cry. 😦

I just hope that I remind myself of all the reasons behind why I took this well thought out discussion which is for his and my best welfare. Even if it might make us really really sad right now.

Leave a comment

Filed under Don't want to talk about it, La vie, Love and all, Me

Rozgaar(employed)! :D

So guess what?!

I just got my first appointment letter!

This time it ain’t any internship or shiz, its the real deal! its a job!I am going to be working in a Travel Magazine/Website!! Waov! Isn’t that such a dream job?!

As you can see I have been exclaiming! in the last four sentences so I am obviously very excited. 🙂

The magazine is called Globe Trekker and the same company si launching three travel websites. The CEO who took my interview and to whom I had to submit my written test sort of thing seemed very impressed with my writing for God Knows What reason. He said something like my writing was very mature (haha!) and that I could grab the attention of a large audience. He also said that its very very rare that he likes anyone’s writing so I must definitely be doing something right. This guy is called Rajarshi Roy has worked in top creative positions in all media fields like national newspapers, TV news channels, radio, cartoons et al. This company also has a production house along side and I think its the official Shatrugan Sinha Shotgun Productions office because they have his wacko posters all around the place.

Anyway, so Raj(as he is fondly called) said that I will be in the core writing team for these websites which might be associated with. He is really impressed with my writing (this is just hilarious!) so he said he won’t put me on any probation and will keep me as permanent directly!Initially we will be forming the structure et al and later I would have to travel, come back and write. HOW EPIC IS THAT?!!

My salary? Rs 8000! Look I am not an engineer or MBA holder. This is really good amount for a fresh English Lit graduate especially for a job that I will enjoy.

A slight downside to this is that the office is located at Andheri East in Chakala. Something like the farthest point from where I live. Its actually the farthest point from ANYWHERE and always has traffic. I really don’t understand why all offices have to be located there.  😐

But anyway, I got a job! Yay! So I start from July 1st or so. I already told him about my dance classes and performance(s?) , and told him that I have to be getting back to Navi Mumbai in time for practice. He seemed really encouraging about it and said that sometimes I can work from home or wind up early and leave sooner or catch up the next day. He said its flexible and that as long as I sincerely finish my work, they are cool. He even said he would like it if I went ahead in my dance in a big way, so I am really happy. He is hippie at heart just like me!

So lets hope this journey takes me far, that learn many lessons and most importantly that  I have fun!

Leave a comment

Filed under Dance, Journeys and travels, La vie

Songs about life#1

On a more cheerful note, I decided to post all these songs I will call Songs About Life that will basically be well, songs about life or any song I relate to.  Got the idea from folks at tumblr and it seems like a great way to not forget the songs you love and also define one’s feelings in a lot of ways.

I love The Beatles and so after great thought I decided I’ll start with this, though there are atleast 4 other Beatles songs that have to be on the list. 😀


 

 

Here is also one of the best cover designs among their albums of which I have a poster!(oh yeah!)

all you need is love

 

By the way, I tried to upload the music directly from my computer but when I try to upload audio it accepts only xls,.jpg,.blah blah (all except .mp3,.flac or any audio)files. So I had to use the video but I prefer uploading from my computer, sans the video. Any clue whats wrong and how this can be fixed?


 

1 Comment

Filed under Stuff I like, Uncategorized

I have dreamed of you so much

I came across this poem and felt that I could relate to it considering my situation with KB right now. .most of it atleast. It has been this way for long.

I HAVE DREAMED OF YOU SO MUCH  
by Robert Desnos
I have dreamed of you so much that you are no longer real.
Is there still time for me to reach your breathing body, to kiss your mouth and make
your dear voice come alive again?

I have dreamed of you so much that my arms, grown used to being crossed on my
chest as I hugged your shadow, would perhaps not bend to the shape of your body.
For faced with the real form of what has haunted me and governed me for so many
days and years, I would surely become a shadow.

O scales of feeling.

I have dreamed of you so much that surely there is no more time for me to wake up.
I sleep on my feet prey to all the forms of life and love, and you, the only one who
counts for me today, I can no more touch your face and lips than touch the lips and
face of some passerby.

I have dreamed of you so much, have walked so much, talked so much, slept so much
with your phantom, that perhaps the only thing left for me is to become a phantom
among phantoms, a shadow a hundred times more shadow than the shadow the
moves and goes on moving, brightly, over the sundial of your life.

Leave a comment

Filed under La vie, Literature, My favourite people, Poetry

When I can’t make “When I grow up..” statements

Whenever I call or text someone to wish them on their birthday, I find myself running out of creative ways to wish them and birthday related stuff to talk about. I mean, apart from the usual ‘what are your plans for the day?’, ‘hope you have fun’, ‘where is the party?’, et al what does one ask anyway.

But I think the conversation is easier when its someone’s 18th birthday, atleast in India. There are these list of things you are legal to do – like voting, get married, donate blood, have sex, get a license. So when you wish someone, you can tell how fun life ahead is going to be with all these extra activities they can do legally.

‘You are an adult now. There are so many things you can DO now!’

But what really is Being an Adult? Obviously just arriving at 18 doesn’t make us any more adult than we were a day before. Adulthood comes with certain events in our lives that have nothing to do with birthdays.This may come to you earlier than at 18 years, or if you are lucky, much later.

Something I saw today made me realize that these events are changes that actually hurl you into adulthood and most of the time, its without your permission.

My friend of 11 years and classmate from school lost her father yesterday. Like me, she is just 20 years old and in that confused phase of life when you are done with college and have to decide where you want to take your life. But the events of the last 40 odd days when Uncle got hospitalised and admitted in the ICU and yesterday when he breathed his last, seem to have suddenly moulded her into a woman. Today, when I and a few others spent the day with her to help out with anything and just talk to her, we witnessed how boldly she was taking it in her stride. She did cry occasionally a little and may be she will cry to sleep and cry in the solitude of the bathroom, but her maturity was apparent when he held her wailing mother with a look of strength and calmness and an embrace that seemed to ward off all grief. May be it is today, more than ever before, that she would start living and feeling like a” responsible adult”.  Having said that I still don’t know if that is a real defined term.

But perhaps I got a sense of it today too. Before heading to her place, I was waiting for another friend Busty below her building and saw some kids playing hopscotch. Thats when I realized how it was not very many years back that we went out to play with our friends. When there was a death, it was our parents who had to deal with it and think about what are the correct things to say.  And suddenly now, we had to deal with it and think about what are the right things to say to console someone. Does one smile? When is one supposed to leave? Is there a particular colour of clothing for this occasion? Regardless of these immaterial things, what can you do to make your friend feel ok?

It is said that we should always embrace change and not resent it. But when this change is something out of your control, and something you didn’t even choose, what do you do? May be there is no choice but to accept and embrace it.

But how long is it before you are at peace with it?

It was great when as kids we could play outside till dinner time, watch cartoons, remain untainted and innocent and rarely ever wonder about worldly problems. Though adulthood might be bereft of these things, I have always liked to believe that life, even in its adult version, is going to be awesome despite its ups and downs. But I just wish the transition was smooth for us all.

Leave a comment

Filed under Don't want to talk about it, La vie, Me, People, Thoughts/ Ideas, Why?