About four years back, on the first day of FYJC (11th std) in college ,my English professor told the class about how we should make the most of our youth. She said , when we are young, we are full of dreams.Our eyes have a certain glimmer. We are hopeful about the future and so sure that the world is great just like everybody in it and that things are going to end up just fine. We are joyous and carefree.She also said that by the time we reach our final year in college,the light is gone. We let go of so many of our dreams and don’t believe. She hoped for us that our light remained.
I hoped so too.
But it didn’t remain.
I’ve wanted to become a journalist ever since I was 11. I knew I would do really well. There wasn’t a hurry to get anywhere. Just sheer belief in my own ability and will power. I was sure my light wouldn’t fade.
And yet ,now barely 4 years down the line, I have become more cynical than I used to be. I still believe in the awesomeness of the world and the universe , but I have become aware of the bad people and also of the bad in me. My belief system has changed. My opinions. The way I see myself too. My idea of success is in doubt. And now I even question whether it is important to be successful. Atleast if the societal idea of success is important to me. I am a people person and very social , and yet I have become anti- social in a way. I largely differ with majority of the people I deal with everyday. I resent being conditioned with certain ideas that don’t go with the rest of my new ideas and feel irritated by my inability to break this conditioning.
There have been so many new discoveries and learnings. I am excited and curious about the future. about science. about the learning and knowledge that is yet to come. about the universe.
And yet I know,…Somewhere, the light has dimmed.
And when I read this, I see so many ‘I’ s . And I wonder , who the hell do I think I am? Why do I think I am so important in this universe when I am all but a microsecond in the lifetime of a star millions of light years away. What is life about and where is it heading? Or does it even matter? But of course it matters! That is what keeps us going , right? The frequency if ‘I’s shows such an ego. Who is this ‘I’ that I keep talking about? Have I turned out to be the way I was meant to be? Have I turned out to be like rMU would have been had she not been nurtured by society in any manner? What was I meant to be? Have I just formed myself to fit how I am described?
There are so many questions. But are they important at all?
Or should we continue with our rants about putting on weight , global warming and rising prices?
There is one life that I know of and many purposes to it. When there are so many questions and uncertainties , belief and hope are important. And though I am the eternal optimist ( I am a thinking one which doesn’t work at all) , the light has somewhere dimmed a little.
And now,I remember when I was young, I shone like the sun…
Its not as if I am ancient now .
Nevertheless, there ensues a search for the light again , and some answers too.